…We had almost finished when Jim was bitten on the side of the foot by a spider. Or maybe a Bull Ant? Either way it stung.
In those days nothing got in the way of a surf, so we waited a while to make sure he was OK and then walked the final half a kilometer to the surf. (Just as well it wasn’t a poisonous spider.)
The surf was ordinary, but that wasn’t going to stop us.
It is common practice to urinate in your wetsuit when you’re out surfing. Every surfer I’ve ever met, boy or girl, pees in their wetsuit. But I’ve never heard of anyone except Jim doing a dump.
He paddled up to me and proudly announced, “Number two’s.” It took a while for the full meaning of his statement to sink in but when it did I laughed so hard I almost choked. We had often talked about the possibility of crapping in our wetsuits, Jim had even dropped the occasional crap out the back of the surf, but no one had ever gone this far. Whether this had something to do with the spider bite I don’t know, but by sinking so low Jim had risen to new heights.
He had cemented the title of ‘Legend’.
Even though the surf was ordinary we surfed for hours, then made the long walk back to the car. Still laughing about the number two. When we arrived at the car I was completely dehydrated so before I did anything else I grabbed a large chocolate milk from the esky in the car and took a big swig of it.
The spider bite was now only a red mark. But when Jim peeled the top part of his wetsuit off his skin, all the way down his arms and up to his neck, was covered with a lumpy rash. Mortified he touched it and one of the lumps moved.
I have never laughed so hard, I laughed so hard that chocolate milk spurted out of both my nostrils. The lumps were husks of corn.
We still had an hour and a half’s drive ‘till we got home.
Excerpt from I SPIDER.